It has been two years since I came on here for any reason at all. Married life has been a learning and balancing experience for me and with learning, I have developed so much strength within myself. I went back to school, and am among to pursuit my dream of becoming a Dr. which wasn't something I would have done if it hadn't been for my "overachieving husband" 😂 (its a joke, not really, but sort of). He makes me want better for myself and he perseverance is admirable and for that I couldn't ask for better. But that isn't why I decided to write today. Well not entirely!
For those of you who are new here I had my first child at 15yrs old, YES I said 15. My body was underdeveloped and due to the life I was carrying, it never developed normally. I ended up with a C-section pouch and very saggy boobs and at the time I assumed it was normal and OK!. It wasn't until I grew older, had more children and started noticing the other woman around me, that I began to realize that my body was ruined.
I think thats when the self esteem issues really started for me. Now don't get me wrong, as a teenager I was as confused as they come (which is normal) but when I noticed that all of the other girls/women my age had "normal" bodies I began to self destruct. I got in relationships with men who were abusive, liars cheaters and any other horrible relationship you could imagine. I DIDN'T FEEL WORTHY. I felt unhappy with myself and felt that I would be lucky if any man decided to be involved with me. I was a single mother, with no degree and a destroyed body, to me "no one" who has substance would want to be with me, so I settled! The saying is true " if you are unhappy with yourself then no one can ever make you happy". And this was true for me. I can honestly say that I did have a few men in my life who were good to me, but I either pushed them away with my insecurities of they got tired of the pity-parties I continually threw for myself. Theres nothing worse than a woman with baggage and and truck load of insecurities. If a man is willing to carry your load of baggage he doesn't also want to carry around your emotional issues too..
After years of feeling like a no good piece of shit, I then found confidence in myself though therapy. I felt it was a good idea to see someone, because the path I was going down was a vicious cycle of horror. I was in relationship after relationship with asshole after asshole. And it wasn't entirely their faults. A man will only treat you the way you allow them to treat you, and the way they see you treat yourself! And I was my own worst enemy. Therapy for me was an eye opening experience, I learned that even if I didn't feel like I was perfect, I was me and that was something genuine and original. So I started to develop awareness and confidence that was out of this world. To me I depended on my personality and my loving nature and I no longer felt the need to settle. But one thing that didn't change was the way in which I viewed my utter self in the mirror.
Even with all the confidence I had, I was still missing something, the something that when I closed the bathroom door I was left to deal with everyday. Saggy skin and saggy breast! No matter how many times I was told "I WAS BEAUTIFUL" I truly didn't feel beautiful without my clothes on. I would look in the mirror and imagine what it would be like if my nipples didn't look at the ground, or if my stomach had elasticity and would look the way it did before my underdeveloped body became a baby making machine. And it has always been something that I wished and prayed I could change. I made a "I HAVE NEVER" list and I am going to share it with you guys.
I HAVE NEVER
1. Been in a bikini that was high wasted
2. Bought lingerie that wasn't covering my stomach
3. Felt comfortable with taking off my shirt during sex
4. Felt comfortable having sex with the lights on
5. Felt comfortable taking a shower with a partner
6. Been able to wear a backless dress
7. Been able to wear anything with out a bra
8. Been able to wear a wireless bra
9. Felt comfortable getting out of the shower and dressing in front of anyone
10. LOOKED IN THE MORROR AND FELT COMFORTABLE WITH MYSELF!!!!!
And to me number 10 out weighs numbers 1-9
Self esteem can break your whole spirit, and it doesn't matter how educated you are, how happy you are in your day to day activities, if you are unhappy when you look in the mirror it feels like nothing else matters. For years I researched what it plastic surgery, its cost and ways I could make my dreams in that area come true, but for one reason or another it just never panned out! I remember two of my exes trying to help me because they saw how much it bothered me, but again it just never panned out. Then I met my husband! A man who has never said anything about my body, never commented, never joked about it and never mentioned it. He makes me feel as though my body is perfect in every way! But his vision of me isn't the vision of me I see or chose to except.
I explained to him very early on that I was unhappy with myself and expressed to him that I would give anything to feel "normal" and after years of being together and sharing our lives and dreams together, we both decided that this is a dream of mine that we would make come true.
I don't aspire to have a BIG ASS I don't aspire to be a woman men gawk over, I aspire to feel normal, to look normal. To wear my first bikini, to look in the mirror and smile, instead of looking away from it. Plastic surgery to me isn't a easy fix, its my chance at being normal for the first time in my adulthood. I want to buy lingerie that isn't a sexy hidden piece, but a sexy piece that makes me feel happy. I want to know what its like to get out of the shower with confidence in front of my husband. I want to feel FREE!!!!!!!
I am a true believer that everything happens when it is meant to happen, and for me everything pertaining to my surgery has panned out this time around and for me that was an eye opener. From finding my Dr. (WHO IS AMAZING), to being with my husband who has my back through everything including this, to the smaller things like having a break from school, to make sure I recover in the right way.
The surgery/ surgeries I am having are combined and is called the "MOMMY MAKEOVER" it includes a Tummy Tuck (Abdominoplasty), Breast lift (Mastopexy ) and a Breast Augmentation. When you do all of these surgeries together you have to make sure that your in the best health you can be, make sure your BMI is under 30 and that you have a support system who can aid if a healthy recovery. I do have Thalassemia which is a hereditary blood disorder that I will have for the rest of my life. But with that being said I have Drs. who I see and have seen for years who make sure that I suffer little to no complications because of it. I will have to get infusions/transfusions for the rest of my life which is just something that has to happen, but that doesn't make me unhealthy. My condition is well maintained and under control. And would be allowed to have these surgeries if that weren't the case!! In fact people with diabetes and high blood pressure and also able to have these surgeries, maybe not all at once, but in sections. So don't get discouraged of you have a health condition that you feel may prevent you from having this if you desire to. As long as your PCP (Primary Care Physician) clears you, then you will be good to go!
I understand that plastic/cosmetic surgery ISN'T for everyone, but this is the journey I've decided to take for me. Eating healthy won't lift my breast, exercising won't flatten my stomach, "C-setions cause the muscles in your stomach to shift and die" so the skin above the scar have to be physically removed. So I hope that you guys can understand and respect my journey! And I truly hope that me sharing why story inspires you guys to recognize that this is our journey to live and mistakes to make. And each of us can change what we deem unhappy. Whether by therapy, dieting, exercise or surgery!
Thank you all for reading.
XOXO Brittanyalissa
