Hey Beauties,
Today is one of those days where I just felt the need to put my fingers to the keyboard and type my emotions so here goes……………………………...
When someone says HAPPINESS; what is the first thing that comes to your mind?
Well the 1st thing that comes to my mind is "Family". Growing up in the system I don't really know 1st hand what a "family" is, but i've always imagined what it was to have one and I promised myself that I would always strive to have what I thought a family was. I don't know what its like to have a stand up man in my life and thats because most women get they're ideas from the fathers they have in they're lives and unfortunately No Family = No dad. So instead of knowing what a "Great man" was, I got with men who I thought were great. The men who wanted to change me, the men who cheated, the men who lied, and the men who grew up in single family households and had no idea how a man was suppose to act or rather behave. I've spent my whole life praying for my idea of this "family" I so desperately seek. And a few times I thought I was close. I've had the men that I thought were heaven sent and I was on cloud 9 each and every time, but while I thought I was happy I didn't notice that I was changing who I was to fit each and every one of they're ideas of perfection. So in all actuallity I wasn't happy. I was so busy trying to fill a void that I had no idea that I was more lost than ever before.
The same men that hurt me were the same men I wanted this so called "family" with. I became someone I didn't recognize. I used to cry and ask myself , Why would you be with a man who cheats on you? Why would you be with a man who abuses you? Why would you want to be someones second choice? Why is that man that doesn't allow you to have a voice the man you hold so tight? Is this what "family" really means to you? Are you that weak?
And even though I knew the answers to all of those questions I stayed,
I stayed because I felt that maybe if I make them happy then they'll wanna return that same happiness. All men want a well educated, smart, corky women…. RIGHT??????
I don't know what its like to have a healthy relationship.
I don't know what its like to have someone try to make me happy.
I don't know what its like to Love someone and have that same love reciprocated.
All I know are tears. All I've ever felt is hurt. Feeling like Im not good enough, feeling like why me? Why can't I have a "family"?
After all of the tears and all of the hurt I realized that it wasn't what I was searching for, but rather WHO.
I needed to find me. And each day I find another piece.
I have so many imperfections and I had to seriously understand that if a man loved me he wouldn't hurt me, there would be no tears, or cheating, and very few arguments. So why was I settling? Oh yea it was for that damn "family".
Out of the whole search I managed to have 3 great children 1 of which is no longer here but missed desperately. So I now have a family. My children are all the family I needed, and although it may not be the idea or dream I always wanted it may be JUST what I needed to break the cycle.
I now know that I have happiness. And having a man,or husband doesn't mean your happy. But having the "RIGHT" man in your life can ADD happiness to your already happy life.
I will remain a hopeless romantic that is something I won't be able to help, but I will not allow romance to consume who I am as a woman, or have it allow me to be in situations that are extremly unhealthy. So what Is my Idea of HAPPINESS?
My idea of hapiness is being able to love ME unconditionally and loving my children to no end.
Living my life because each day isn't promised, making mistakes, having little regrets, and allowing ME to be responsible for ME. And if and when that special someone comes along I'll know just what to look for. And what not to look for!
Until then I have all the happiness I need.. So now I ask
What Is your DEFINITION?
Until then I have all the happiness I need.. So now I ask
What Is your DEFINITION?
