Hey everyone,
I usually start these post a little different but today this is not just for the beauties but for people in general.
For most of the people who know me, you know that for the past year I've had some amazing things happen, I got married and had a brand new cheerful baby boy. But what a lot of you don't know is the journey it took to have it all... So here goes....
I debated numerous times about whether or not I should even do this, share this, be this real
but knowing that I can potentially help someone else made me feel compelled to do so.
I married the love of my life in a Central Park wedding which had been my dream from such a very young age, while most people envisioned the whole church wedding my heart was set on Central Park. I have to say it was a fairytale come true. On a October day which was meant to be rainy and cold the sun was out and it was 73 degrees. To me I was ready to be someone's wife and I had my whole life to become great at it, to succeed at it, and to give it my all. But that all changed with a simple checkup to the Dr. A visit that changed my life forever!
I sat being happily pregnant, ready to embrace the new path my life headed in. When I was told that carrying life could take my own. It wasn't said in the nicest way
but in the most traumatizing, hurtful way ever possible.
I was asked if I wanted to DIE, I was asked if I wanted the baby I was carrying to DIE, I was being put in the position to detemin life or death for myself and another life. I was giving the choice to play God!
I remember putting on a brave face that day for Donnell and trying to reassure him that everything was going to be ok, but deep down inside I was planning my funeral. That day I dialed my moms number and broke down asking how could someone be so harsh, I went through the why me's, and then in the end I said it's either my life or this baby's because I wanted, I needed to live for my other children.
My mothers exact words were to "have your baby" and I'll be there every step of the way. And with
those words I decided to continue on with the pregnancy.
I lived everyday for the next 236 days as if "that" was going to be the day I died. For the 1st 3 months I didn't even want to become close to "the child" I was carrying. How could I bond with someone I was never going to meet? I was broken , my thoughts shattered. But I made it to 4 months and then I was hit with another bomb. I ended up being admitted into the hospital where we were told that our baby wasn't going to make it, that we will more than likely be induced into a miscarriage to yet again save my life. With tear filled eyes, and feeling defeated (yet again) I called my mother; and a woman of her word she ran to my side and assured me that God was going to see us through. I hated the fact
that she wanted me to remain faithful when I questioned whether or not there was even a God.
Those 2 days seemed like an eternity but I left out of there still pregnant! I remember putting my hand on belly and talking to our child saying " if mommy doesn't make it, I will make sure that you do". And with that the determination to live, it became a fight not for me but for the child I was carrying. I started keeping a journal of my everyday experiences. I wanted he or she to be fully aware that they were loved. That I fought everyday for them to have a life here on this earth. Writing was the only way to keep myself from wanting to just end it all, it was my last hope. But
what a lot of people don't know is that I literally contemplated suicide everyday. I hated myself. I just couldn't live counting down the days till death! But for my 2 children and the one in my belly I fought.
I felt so bad for my husband, he tried so hard to be my rock but he was crumbling. He was literally deteriorating and I felt to blame. He deserved someone who could carry a child without hassle, someone who wasn't me, so I pushed him a way. I started fights, I screamed and yelled.
I didn't want him to see me like that, I didn't want him to pity me. He married me thinking he was going to have happiness, but ended up trying to hide his fear of losing me and the baby. I didn't want him to love his dying wife, I just needed to continue loving my kids and getting the baby to the earth. I felt that if he left I would have one less painful thought. But it only made things worse.
My marriage was in shambles and for the world we put on brave faces. But it was all a lie!
Donnell was down 40lbs and I was conflicted thinking of ways to enjoy my time here on earth and also different ways to kill myself. I was on bedrest and could only get out of bed to shower and pee, my life was literally all about baby. My husband had no one to talk to because he had cut himself off from the world. I didn't want to speak to him because I hated him for getting me pregnant, but I really hated myself!! And for the life of me I couldn't understand why he didn't just pack his bags and leave me the hell alone. Why the hell didn't he want a better life? A life that he could of shared with someone not on the verge of death?
The truth of the matter was that, I NEEDED HIM! And he knew it! No matter how bad the days were he never left me side. NEVER. He allowed work to disappear and me and the kids became his priority. He ate, slept and breathed me! I didn't see then how much he cared. And I guess we never do..
This man was told every other week that he would lose me, that he would lose our child, but he never allowed me to see him break down. We were isolated. trapped in a house with no family or friends who really knew the truth. I hated him for being him, and he continued to deal with my bullshit and continued to love me.
I was on weekly hormone shots that I was told would aid in me carrying the baby to 35 weeks. *Makena*- A progesterone shot. Or as we like to call it the hormone from HELL!!
Between my mom and Donnell I don't know who wanted to put me out of my misery more but what neither of them understood was that being told I could die left me haunted.
My goal had always been to out live my mother, and I didn't understand why God was allowing me to die at 27yrs old. I didn't understand why he would allow me to live and burry another child. I didn't understand anything because life was all a BLUR.
Laying in bed all day I was left with only my thoughts and I cried every single day, I literally did. It was like routine, 3 days a week in the hospital, 4 days a week in the bed. My children didn't understand what was going on, I tried so hard to shelter them from the truth. Donnell invinted family game night where they would play all type of fun board games, cards and watch movies together. Things I couldn't do while on bedrest, my kids didn't know what was wrong with "mommy" and they were so preoccupied it helped them to forget that anything was going on. I tried to have them involved in every way they could, the sonograms, the cravings (like Ihop) LOL. All the fun ways. But knowing that I could leave them made me want to die even sooner.
We found out that we were having a son and although I had sold Donnell on making him a Jr, those days in bed had my mind rolling yet again. I ended up coming up with the name LAKE.
When I was a bit younger I used to take trips to the Poconos in the colder months and there used to always be some sort of Lake or pond that the autumn leaves fell into, when the sun hit the leave filled water I always remembered peaceful thoughts. Envisioning the serene view game me hope that everything was going to be ok, and finally gave a little peace to my heart.
With 72 Dr. apps 32 hospital visits, and 22 weeks of bedrest I finally made it to the end. This was the day that I was sure I was going to die, this was the day that the Dr's said I was going to die. The day of my C-section. My mother was up and awake at 5am and Donnell and I were on our knees praying, I asked God to please allow me more time here, more time with my children, a chance to meet our son and with that we headed to the hospital.
As they coached me back to the Operating room I remember having to give Donnell my wedding band (my good luck charm) and I knew then and there I wasn't going to make it out alive. I still don't know why I need the wedding band on but I did.... I guess I just needed something...
As I laid there on the table and they removed Lake from my belly, I looked over at the window and stared at the sun and closed my eyes briefly and said a silent prayer to myself. If this was if for me I was ready, I had made it where no one thought I was going to and the baby was now able to fight here on his own. My job was done. Before I went in I spoke to Lei and Aj about the fact that we may never see each other again. It was the 1st time I had let them know the truth, I've never seen my children cry so hard. But they at least deserved a Good-Bye. To this day that conversation still breaks my heart. No parent should ever have to tell their kids they may die!
I ended up losing a lot of blood and needing a transfusion, which meant that my fight wasn't over yet. I was still back and forth in the hospital for retained placenta and severe bleeding for 10 weeks after Lake got here but in my mind if Gods plan was to take me away this late into it at least I had 10 more week with my children. But all of that came to an end.
Its been 18 weeks and I'm still here fighting. I now have high blood pressure, a blood disorder called Thalassemia (I've had for years) and I'm still anemic. But I am here!! I can't lie to any of you and say that my mental state is 100% because I would never lie about that. I still constantly battle away the trauma of living my life everyday thinking I was going to die but it only makes me cherish my life and my kids that much more. As for my marriage, its actually better than ever. I couldn't imagine going through any of it with anyone else.
No one would be able to endure what he did and I'm forever grateful. We may have had a little detour in our "Happily Ever After" but with me determined to LIVE we still have everyday to work toward it.
In closing...
High risk pregnancy is no laughing matter. It takes a toll on everyone involved. Women go through a lot to bring children into the world so please don't think its just a walk in the park. People may glamorize pregnancy in the magazines, books and in tv shows but for some of us thats not real life. Makena helped me get Lake here on time and my family helped me mentally. My mother and my husband became my rocks and without them who knows how this could have turned out. For all the moms on bedrest, I'm here if you ever need someone to help you through the really tough days.
I no longer think about ending my life. I have so much to live for. And although I'm still haunted by the idea of death I'm learning to get through it with therapy. I do know that its the Trauma the makes me fearful that things may some how change one day but I know that with the help things will all get better.
I truly hope that my story helps someone else get through a rough pregnancy.
XoXo BrittanyAlissa
